You Still Have All of Me
by LynstHolin
Summary: Dumbledore/Grindelwald  Near the end of his life, Albus Dumbledore reflects on his past with Gellert Grindelwald
1. Chapter 1

Warnings: suggestiveness, mild violence and blood, mild language

...

HOGWARTS 1997

Thunder crashed and rolled and lightning strobed. The howling wind turned the surface of the lake into roiling froth. Albus Dumbedore stood looking out his office window, watching the storm but not really seeing it. It was on nights like this one that the regrets of his past weighed on him the most heavily.

The soft candlelight in the room made the window a ghostly mirror. Albus focused his eyes on his reflection. Sometimes, catching sight of himself was startling. Where did this old man come from? This face, with its frequent expression of grandfatherly mischief that set every nervous eleven-year-old at ease on the first day of school, didn't always feel like it belonged to him. Tonight, Albus wanted to see what felt like his true face.

He pulled a purple velvet cloth off of the Mirror of Erised. The closer he came to the end of his life, with the blackness creeping up his arm and toward his heart, the less he could resist the mirror's seductive visions. He'd told Harry Potter that what he saw in the mirror was socks. What he really saw, at first, was the handsome, beardless visage of a youth with auburn hair and a straight, aristocratic nose. His own face, nearly a hundred years ago.

Another young man entered the frame. His shoulder-length hair and his skin were tawny, and his eyes were an intense azure. He grinned impishly, with a nearly feral air. He put his arms around mirror-Albus while staring intensely at real-Albus. The two mirror men kissed, and their clothes melted away. Mirror-Albus closed his eyes, a look of rapture on his face.

...

GODRIC's HOLLOW 1899

"Dammit, Ab, would you at least _try _to act like a civilized human being instead of an ape?"

"Apes throw their own excrement. I threw goat poo," Aberforth pointed out.

Albus smacked his younger brother on the back of the head. "Get back in the house and stay there. All our neighbors hate us, and it's your fault." He gave Aberforth a kick in the bottom to hurry him on his way.

"It looks like you have full hands," a voice said in heavily accented English.

"You have no idea," Albus muttered. He turned to look at the speaker, and was struck dumb.

Standing in the middle of the narrow, rutted street was the most beautiful boy that Albus had ever seen. He might have been described as angelic, with his golden tumble of hair and his long-lashed eyes and his cupid's bow mouth, but for the look of devilish humor on that perfect face. "I am impressed with how he hit that awful woman right on the forehead. "

Albus tried very hard to say something, but his tongue was stuck to the roof of his mouth.

The not-angel held out a hand. "I am Gellert Grindelwald. I have just come here to live."

This statement made Albus snort. "You came to live _here_? Voluntarily?" he managed to get out, his incredulity stronger than his bashfulness.

"You do not like it here?"

"I'd rather be... nearly anywhere else, really. What brings you here?"

Gellert gave a sphinx-like smile. "There are secrets here."

"Hardly. This village is a cesspit of gossips and busybodies." Albus watched Gellert toy with the collar of his robes, causing a gold necklace to drop down. The symbol on it seemed vaguely familiar to Albus. "What is that?" he asked.

"This is the symbol of the Deathly Hallows."

"Oh, from the children's stories."

Gellert put the necklace back inside his robes. "Sometimes, truth is hidden in the open." Albus Gellert Grindelwald seemed to have a Dumbledore-ish talent for being cryptic. "Come, my new friend, let us dine together at the inn," Gellert said.

"At the Blue Dog? One takes one's life into one's hands every time one eats there."

"I am feeling courageous today." Gellert hooked an elbow through one of Albus' and led him toward the inn. "You must tell me all about this terrible, hideous village and the monsters that inhabit it."

...

Albus dropped a kiss on the top of Ariana's head as she finished up her toast and jam. She smiled up at him, and he tugged one of her crooked braids gently. "I'm off."

Aberforth sulked. "You're leaving me alone with her all day again, aren't you."

"I take care of the both of you. I deserve to have some leisure time."

"All day, every day with that preening foreign git? I'm tired of you thinking you're so much better than I am."

"Then _be_ better. By the time I was your age, I was-"

"British Youth Representative to the Wizengamot, Barnabus Finckley Prize winner, prefect, arse-licker supreme," Aberforth sneered. "Yes, how inconvenient of our mother to die and cut short your glorious career."

Ariana stopped chewing, her pale blue eyes darting back and forth between her two brothers. "Keep your tone civil," Albus ordered. "You're upsetting Ariana."

Aberforth pasted on a ghastly fake smile. "Go to hell," he said in a syrupy-sweet tone of voice as Albus walked out the door.

All family aggravation disappeared when Albus saw Gellert waiting just outside the gate, standing in a shaft of sunlight that made his hair glow. As always, the sight of the beautiful enigma that was Gellert sucked the air from Albus' chest, setting him quivering down to his marrow. Albus was sure that no one had ever felt such acutely bittersweet emotions before.

They were off for a countryside ramble again, where they-well, Gellert, mostly-could talk about their grand ideas for changing the world.

"For the greater good," Gellert said as he took Albus' arm.

"Hmm?"

"That is my motto. I thought of it last night. For the greater good. What do you think?"

"I like it."

"We wizards will rule the world for the greater good. When the Muggles bow to us, there will be no more wars, no more foul cities with their stinking factories and human garbage. They are barely human, Muggles. They cannot govern themselves any more than animals can."

Albus gave his friend a shocked look. Gellert had hinted and implied, but had never before spoken so bluntly. It made him uneasy.

"Just think, your sister will be able to be out in the world, and your father will be freed from Azkaban and treated as a hero."

Albus' heart contracted. To have his father back, and to not have to keep his sister imprisoned in the house so no one would report her condition to the Ministry...

"Those boys that did that to your sister, they should be put to death."

Albus couldn't argue with that. He'd had that very thought so many times. The memory of what those Muggles had done to Ariana still gave him bad dreams.

Gellert dragged Albus into a thicket. "What-" The blond put his fingers on Albus' mouth to hush him. A man and a woman, Muggles, came walking briskly down the path, marketing baskets on their arms. Gellert suppressed a giggle as he cast a silent tripping spell. The Muggles pitched forward onto their hands and knees, their purchases flying everywhere. Cupping his hands around his mouth, Gellert let loose an eerily accurate wolf's howl. The woman screeched, the man made panicked 'hah hah hah' noises, and they scrabbled away as fast as they could.

"I am hungry," Gellert said. He picked up a wheel of cheese and a loaf of bread. "Ah, look, Albus!" Moving the cheese and bread to the crook of one arm, he bent over and picked up a bottle of beer and chucked it to Albus, then got a bottle for himself. The two youths sat on a rock by a stream to enjoy their stolen repast. The beers spewed foam everywhere when they were opened.

The sun was obscured by swift-moving clouds and a chill breeze started blowing. A rumble of thunder warned of the coming storm. "Perhaps we should get back," Albus said.

"Ah, but I love storms." Gellert stood up on the rock and spread his arms. The wind whipped his hair around his face and lifted the hem of his robes. The first drops of rain fell. The thunder increased in frequency until it was a continuous booming, and Gellert grinned, his eyes feral. Lightning struck a tall oak a hundred feet away, and Gellert laughed wildly. All Albus could do was stare, and wonder how such beauty could exist.

Gellert's hair stood up on end. Albus roared and tackled the other youth around the waist, knocking him off the rock and rolling him as far and as fast as he could; just seconds later, lightning hit the rock, blasting it in two. The boys fetched up against a tree trunk, Albus on top. "You nearly died," he shouted over the keening wind. Gellert just grinned up at him, his eyes ablaze with something close to madness.

Suddenly, Albus was all too aware of their bodies so close together. He could feel Gellert's heart pounding beneath his. He knew he should get up before Gellert divined his secret: Albus was in love. He didn't want another incident like the one where he'd had to Obliviate Elphias Doge.

A sheet of icy cold water soaked him at the same moment that Gellert pulled his head down for a kiss. Gellert's lips tasted of rain and beer. Albus felt himself melting. Gellert rolled, trapping Albus beneath him and running his hand under Albus' robes. They became lovers under the storm-tossed trees.

...

They lay together in Gellert's rented garret, spooning in the narrow metal cot. Albus closed his eyes in a feline kind of contentment as Gellert stroked his bare flesh softly, running his hands down Albus' stomach and flanks. "We must go soon," he said, "The Muggles are ruining the world with their _machines_." Gellert spat the last word out as if it was an obscenity. "I have contacts from my Durmstrang days. They will join us. Soon, we will have an army. Once we have the Deathly Hallows, we will be unstoppable."

"Once we have the Deathly Hallows, my mother..."

Gellert smiled against the nape of Albus' neck. "You will have both of your parents back. And perhaps we will find a way to cure Ariana."

"For the greater good," Albus said softly.

"For the greater good." Gellert put a finger in Albus' mouth, and Albus sucked on it, loving how such a simple gesture made his lover's breath catch. "Would you do anything for me, Al?"

"Anything, Gell. Lie, murder, steal, anything."

Gellert chuckled as he pulled Albus' hips tightly to his. "I will remember that. But tonight, you do not need to kill for me. Just make me happy."

And Albus did.

...

"_No, I won't allow it_!" Aberforth shouted. "It's bad enough that the whole village knows you and-" He gestured toward Gellert, "-that you two are-are-I cannot even say it! It's disgusting!"

Gellert scowled and stepped toward Aberforth; Albus stopped him with a hand on his shoulder.

"Don't !" Aberforth knocked Albus' hand down. "Don't expose our innocent sister to your degenerate ways."

"And you wonder why I want to leave?" Albus yelled, his face red.

"We are going to accomplish great things in the world," Gellert said.

"I don't want t hear from _you_. No, Albus, I've had enough of your neglect. You're not going anywhere. You're going to stay, and you're going to have to start helping me take care of _our_ sister."

Lightning filled the room with an actinic glare. Ariana, who was sitting on a footstool in a corner, sat straight up when she heard the thunder. "Calm down," Albus said, "You know storms make Ariana uneasy, and an argument will only make things worse. I'm leaving, and that's final."

"Aberforth, I am sorry that your intellect is too limited to understand that sacrifices must be made for the greater good," Gellert stated with a sneer.

"I'll give you the greater good," Aberforth scoffed. He whipped his wand out and pointed it at Gellert.

"_Crucio_!" Gellert had his own wand out. Aberforth fell to the floor, writhing and screaming. Ariana clamped her hands to her ears, a look of terror on her face.

"_No_!" Albus threw a stunning spell at Gellert, who deflected it easily.

After that, chaos. Hexes were thrown at a furious pace. Lamps shattered, chairs crashed into walls, curtains shredded, and bookshelves burst into flames. Ariana stood in the middle of the room, red ball lightning playing along her outstretched arms as her hair stood out wildly from her head. A small gesture launched a glowing ball at Gellert. He ducked, and the plasma blasted a hole in the wall behind him.

"Ariana, stop it!" Albus shouted, but she was beyond hearing. Gellert cast a hex at her, which Albus intercepted with a spell of his own. Gellert roared, launching a series of hexes that bounced around the room looking for targets. Albus and his brother worked frantically to destroy them. A vase flew off a shelf and smashed Albus in the face, and tears of pain obstructed his vision. By the time he could see again, the room had gone unnaturally silent. Albus panted as he tried to staunch the blood pouring from his broken nose.

"_Ariana_!" Aberforth dropped to his knees and shook his sister's still, pale form. He looked up, eyes wide and tearful. "She's dead. _She's dead_!" He jumped to his feet. "_Where is he_?"

Gellert Grindelwald was gone from Godroc's Hollow forever. Albus would not see him again in the flesh until half a century had passed, though he would see him often in his dreams.


	2. Chapter 2

GODRIC's HOLLOW 1899

"I am the resurrection and the life, saith the Lord; he that believeth in me, though he were dead, yet shall he live; and whosoever liveth and believeth in me shall never die."

The little graveyard behind the white church was nearly empty. Besides the priest, Albus, and Aberforth, there were just a few old gossips there to witness the funeral. A plain pine coffin sat beside the excavated grave.

Aberforth didn't even try to stop the steady stream of tears that rolled down his cheeks. "It's all your fault, Al. It's all your fault."

"Hush. It's her funeral." Albus was barely able to keep himself together. It _was _his fault. There was no way of knowing whose spell killed Ariana-it may even have been one of her own lightning balls gone awry. But the fight would never have happened if Albus hadn't been neglecting his family for his lover.

"We commit her body to the ground; earth to earth, ashes to ashes, dust to dust."

After the priest said the last 'Amen,' Aberforth just stood staring at the rectangular pit in the ground; the gravedigger leaned on his shovel with an impatient look on his face. "Come along, Ab. It's over." Albus put his hands on his younger brother's shoulders, trying to steer him out of the cemetary. Aberforth exploded. Albus found himself writhing on the ground in agony, his nose broken for the second time in two days. He welcomed the pain.

OFF THE COAST OF GERMANY 1945

As Albus neared Nurmengard, the storm increased in ferocity. The wooden boat he guided with his wand was charmed to keep water out and to stay upright, but if the waves got much higher, Albus was sure it would be swamped anyway. Through the ocean spray that beaded on his goggles, he could see dozens of other boats. They struggled toward a tower that looked like the talon of of an unimaginably huge beast stabbing up into the sky.

The Nazi regime had been rotten with dark wizards. Now that the Muggle government had fallen and its leader had immolated himself, it was finally possible to attack the darkest wizard of them all-Gellert Grindelwald.

Battling the only person he'd ever been in love with, possibly to the death, was the very last thing Albus wanted to do, but he couldn't avoid it. No matter how hard he tried to convince the wizarding world that he was just a mild-mannered Professor of Transfiguration, he was seen as the second-most powerful wizard of his generation, and the only one who could defeat the most powerful wizard.

The small, rocky island on which the tower stood could be seen now. Albus heard a shout, and he saw a boat a hundred feet to his right swarmed with gaunt, white figures. _Inferi_. He summoned fire with his wand, but it was too late; the wizard in the other boat had been dragged under the raging sea. All around him, flames blossomed. There would be no surprising Grindelwald now.

Albus had to concentrate hard, using his wand to keep the Inferi at bay while guiding the boat wandlessly. He chanted under his breath as he made agonizingly slow progress toward the tower. He'd been hoping to make it before dusk, as Grindelwald was stronger at night, but Albus feared the growing darkness was due to more than just the storm.

After what seemed like days, Albus' boat lurched and stopped. As he stepped out onto the stony shore, Albus saw dark figures swooping toward him. Grindelwald had his own Dementors. Albus summoned his Patronus; the phoenix of white light spiraled upwards, chasing the Dementors away. Albus took a moment to look up at the tower. It was made of some sort of black rock, and went up to a dizzying height. The magic that it took to hide this monstrous edifice from non-wizards... Grindelwald must have powers beyond those of Merlin himself.

Albus fetched the broomstick that had been strapped into his boat and mounted it to fly around the base of the tower as other wizards landed on the island. There was a double door, twenty feet wide and twice as tall, above which was engraved in letters a meter tall: 'For the greater good.' The door was sealed shut, and it was unresponsive to every spell Albus tried on it. There were tiny openings in the walls, like arrow slits, starting thirty feet up, far too small to admit a human. Albus would have to fly. He was flanked by more than fifty wizards, also mounted. Some summoned fire, and others summoned their Patronuses. Albus raised an arm toward the jagged top of the tower and roared, and they took off in formation. There were wizards above Albus, wizards below, forward, behind, and left and right. These wizards were expendible; their mission was to get Albus to Grindelwald, even if it killed them.

More Dementors came, along with what Albus was pretty sure were harpies-flying human figures with cruel claws and beaks. Some wizards fell off their brooms, screaming. They were joined by harpies with burning wings. As the invading force went higher, there were bigger opening in the fortress walls, barred windows that opened onto cells filled with emaciated wretches. These spectres reached out throught the bars beseechingly as the Albus and his men flew past. If he prevailed today, Albus would spare them the fate of being turned into Inferi.

An orb of golden light appeared on the top of Nurmengard, a bit of beauty that seemed obscene in this setting. Albus knew what it meant. Grindelwald was there. He sped up, tilting his broomstick until it was vertical, racing upwards just inches from the tower wall. It was good that he'd worn goggles; if he hadn't, the driving rain would have hurt his eyes at the velocity at which he was traveling.

The golden aura dazzled his eyes when he finally reached the top of the tower. At first, all Albus could see was a silhouette. As his vision adjusted, he could see the person in the golden orb, and his heart seemed to stop in his chest. Gellert hadn't aged a day. He was still as beautiful as the day that Albus had first seen him. The very top of the tower didn't quite end in a point; there was a flat area just big enough for a man to stand. Gellert posed there in a Muggle-style military uniform that emphasized his tall, lean build, protected from the tempest by the orb. His hair was still tawny, and it was past his shoulders, lifting gently in a light breeze. He grinned and held a hand out. "Albus."

Somehow, Albus heard him over the screaming gale. Their eyes met and Albus felt something spear into the very center of him. _When did Gellert become a Legilimens_? Albus grabbed onto a chuck of rock that protruded from the tower, ignoring how it bit into his hand, to keep himself from blowing out to sea as images of things that never were filled his head. He and Gellert hand in hand, surveying a world perfected. No more filthy, teeming cities, just small, quaint villages. No smoke-belching factories, just craftsmen making things by hand. No cars-Muggles walked while wizards openly travelled on their brooms. Muggles deferred to their superiors, the wizard race, and they loved their rulers, the two kings. Albus growled, "Did you really expect to win me over with this childish fantasy?"

The vision changed. The setting was a luxurious candle-lit room with a satin-covered bed. Gellert and Albus were naked together on the cool, smooth sheets. In the mirrors that lined the walls, Albus could see himself as he'd looked forty-six years ago, beardless and handsome. Being so close to Gellert made him feel weak all over. Those feral eyes, that mouth that did things that drove Albus half-mad, the hair that he wanted to twine his fingers into... Gellert rolled Albus beneath him. "It is a pity the way you look now, Al. I can make you young again. We will set the world to rights during the day, and then at night-"

The sensation of Gellert's tongue sliding into his mouth made Albus feel drugged. _No... no..._ He twisted his head away. "How are you staying young, Gel? Whose youth have you been stealing?"

Gellert frowned. "It is important to stay beautiful. It makes people fall in love so that they will follow you anywhere."

Albus laughed bitterly. "You don't have to tell _me _that. I want to know, did you ever really care for me at all, or did you seduce me just because you wanted someone as powerful as me to be with you, not against you?"

"I love you still, Albus. It has only ever been you."

The exact words that Albus had been hearing in his dreams for decades. "You're lying!" he howled.

"Join me, or I will tell you the truth." The bedroom was gone. Albus was sitting on a park bench with Ariana, who smiled at him, her vague blue eyes so trusting. "I can show you exactly how she was killed. I know that knowing is your greatest fear." Gellert appeared in front of them, looking exactly as he had on that terrible day. He held a palm out flat, and four tiny wooden figures appeared on it, three male, one female. One of the male dolls lifted its wand.

In a moment of panic, Albus _pushed_. Abruptly, he was back on his broom, buffeted by wind and rain. A stream of fire with the face of a wolf flew toward him. FiendFyre. If he hadn't been in fear for the lives of his men and of himself, Albus would have admired the precise, exquisite control that Gellert was displaying. FiendFyre could defeat even experienced users, and the way that the flaming creature followed Albus so perfectly as he pulled every evasive manuever that he could think of was breathtaking. Two of Albus' men made the mistake of following behind him, and the FiendFyre engulfed them; their screams were mercifully brief. Finally, Albus plunged straight down into the sea. The broomstick didn't move well underwater, but he manged to keep it under control. When the FiendFyre entered the water, Albus shot back out above the surface. The FiendFyre followed, but it seemed sluggish. With a command and a flourish of his wand, Albus sent the FiendFyre back to its maker, and he followed in the wake of its sulpherous stench.

Gellert snarled when his found that his fiery creation didn't want to obey him any more. It circled around him, singeing his hair and clothes. He was able to make it dissipate, but not before one of his cheeks was blistered. "Very clever!" he shouted to Albus. He flicked his wand, and blue lightning crackled from its tip. Albus was able to evade the main force it it, though it set the tail of his broom on fire.

"You think you're the only one that can do that?" Albus shouted. He pointed his wand to the sky. Gellert looked up, trying to see what Albus was doing. By the time he realized that his hair was standing out from his head, it was almost too late. He flew sideways a split-second before lightning struck the peak of the tower. _Of course he can fly. Of course_. Gellert had lost his golden bubble of light, and was even more exposed to the storm than Albus was. He kept having to blink the rain from his eyes. Albus was able to take advantage of the other man's distraction to send several stunning spells. None of them hit, but Gellert was so busy avoiding them that he couldn't see that Albus was calling down lightning again. The huge, dazzling white bolt didn't hit him, but it generated enough of a shock wave to knock him against the side of the tower. His limp body plummeted. "_Aresto momentum_!"

...

It took two weeks to get all the prisoners out of Nurmengard. Albus didn't want to relax the anti-apparition wards, as he beieved that Gellert was able to apparate without a wand. All of the starved, tormented unfortunates were being sent to St. Mungo's. Some were likely beyond saving, but at least they'd spend their final hours in comfort. There were several prisoners that were children with a strangely wizened apearance; Gellert had consumed their youth.

All the bodies of wizards who'd died in the battle that could be recovered were interred into one grave. Using the Elder Wand that he'd just won from Gellert, Albus moved a large boulder on top of the grave, and engraved it with these words: "These men gave up their lives for what truly was the greater good."

It was almost time to leave. Albus walked through the unlocked double doors and plodded up the spiralling stairs. He could have used his broom to fly up the stairwell, but he wanted it to feel like a pilgrimage, a penitence, like when people crawled on their knees for miles to visit a statue of the Virgin Mary. The steps were narrow, with nothing but a steep drop down on the left side. Albus trailed his right hand along the wall as he went up, feeling the smooth area where so many others had done the same.

Across from the last step was a bricked up doorway, with one brick left out. Albus peered through the small hole. Gellert laid on a narrow cot, staring at a small, barred patch of sky. Albus cleared his throat. When Gellert saw who it was, he started unbuttoning his shirt. "This bed is small, but it is big enough for one last time together." Letting his shirt fall open, he ran a hand over his chest, toying with one nipple.

It was such a naked, pathetic ploy that Albus wished that it didn't tempt him so much. "Food will appear once a day automatically. We will not give you so much as a house elf for company. You cannot be trusted around the simplest of creatures. We are even exterminating the island rats, lest you find a way to use them." Albus paused a moment. "It didn't have to turn out this way, Gel. You always had a choice. You could have-you could have-" His voice broke, and he turned and descended the treacherous stairs far too fast for safety.

"AAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL! !" The screams echoed in the stairwell, filling Albus' ears.

HOGWARTS 1997

More and more often these days, Albus thought about visiting Gellert in Nurmengard. He told himself that he shouldn't, that he didn't want to see what his former lover looked like now, though, in his heart of hearts, he really dreaded Gellert seeing what an old man he'd become. But they were both near the end of their days. What harm could there be in just one more meeting? What good could be had from it? Albus watched the two perfect, naked young bodies twine and undulate in the mirror as he wondered when, where and how the end would come for each of them.

There were rumors, once upon a time, that Albus and Tom Riddle'd had something together. Malicious tongues curently speculated about Albus' relationship with Potter. Gossips had to gossip. But Gellert was his alpha and his omega, his immortal beloved, his burden and his curse, the eternal whisperer in his dreams. His one and only.


End file.
